Parenting - The Ground Rules
I’ve been parenting now for 3 years, and there’s a handful of rules that we established at the outset that have helped in ways we didn’t quite realise they would - We just thought they were sensible rules when we came up with them. I thought it high time that I shared these rules with you:
Be reasonable
Never make a demand you cannot justify
Three strikes
Be consistent
Never make threats you won’t deliver on
And one last thing to bear in mind is that you should, at all times, lead by example. You are the adult - your behavior should always be the baseline of what it means to be well behaved. If you are asking your child to say Please and Thank You, why don’t you? If you tell your child to not hit other children, but then hit them… what does that say about your values?
Demands & Boundaries
I am going to use the word “demand” and “boundary” a fair bit in this blog post, so I want to explain what I mean by these terms
Demand
Simply, it is not a request. It is not something that has a choice, and has at least one boundary. A demand can sound like a request at first, but realistically I think most times you ask your child to do something, it is a demand. Now this might sound overbearing, but realise that you don’t need to make all that many demands. There’s a huge circle in this Venn diagram that is “behaviours we’ll allow” - all you are doing is showing them where the edge of that circle is.
Boundary
This is the edge of the circle. For us, the edge of that circle is summed up as this: Things that would put my child are risk of harm; things that he is doing that impacts other people negatively; or violating values we feel are important, such as politeness. That leaves a whole lot of room for “good” behavior that we will very readily tolerate.
Examples
Demands:
Please stop touching the knife.
Don’t bang the cutlery on the table please.
Stay at the table until everyone is finished please.
Boundaries:
Leaving the table before other people are finished eating.
Hitting.
Leaving the driveway without permission.
Eating berries from plants without checking if it’s okay.
Some Unsolicited Advice
1: They Aren’t Smart Enough To Be Malicious
Remember that your kid is very likely not being malicious. We have found that more often than not, they push the boundaries to just try and figure out where the boundary is. It’s not him “trying his luck”… he’s just unsure, and knows that he can just test the fences to learn.
A roomba doesn’t care where the wall of the room are… it will still drive up to the edge and go “oh yep, that wall is still there”, and move onto another part of the room. Kids are no different. They aren’t driving into that wall again to pull your strings, they are just checking to see if that wall still exists. Most often it will just require a quick “yep, that wall is still there buddy” to put them back on course.
2: They Learn… Quickly
Try to distill all their behavior down to this: “I want X, and I do Y to get X”. Once you have this in your head, bear in mind that they also have memory, even though they may not be able to articulate it in the sense of “The last time I wanted X, I did Y and got X, so lets do Y again”. If you are at a point where you need to untrain these “Y” behaviors, I’m not going to lie, I expect have your work cut out for you; but just be reasonable and consistent and all will be fine. It won’t take long for your kiddo to adopt the new status quo and learn that they can basically whatever they want (within reason) as long as they stick within the big ol’ circle of “behaviours my parents will allow”.
Your kid is basically a little meat computer, and you’re just giving it feedback on what is and isn’t okay. We found that using our “three strikes” (explained below), you can teach a child essentially anything long before they can even talk. Don’t under estimate how quickly kids adapt, even before they seem smart enough to understand. That said, we did find that the behaviors we were correcting before he could talk were mostly safety related rather than any kind of emotional/malicious outbursts. Still, it’s a good opportunity to establish a consistent framework for teaching your child what they can and can’t do, and how consistently your boundaries and values are enforced. I think the earlier years are actually more important in that regard.
3: Give Them Space
Don’t try to be too strict. Remember that it’s okay for kids to explore and do things that might be a bit silly, but aren’t putting them in danger, or affecting other people. They need to learn how to learn. For example(s), you might see them reach for a cactus at the garden center… it’s not going to cause serious damage, but they might cry a bit… but you can bet bottom dollar that they will know how cactuses work for the rest of their life. I guess my point here is that this entire blog post is about establishing a means by which you allow your kids to learn things safely, and avoid serious harm to themselves or others; whether it be right now, or in 15 years time when they FAFO with a bigger kid.
4: Meltdowns
If your kid has a meltdown, there’ll be no amount of talking at them that will settle them down. If they are in a shop, just pick them up, put them in the trolley and go about your day ignoring their screeching. If you are home, just set them down on the sofa and leave them to it. Letting them figure out how to rein in their emotions on their own whilst teaching them that they don’t get the things they want if they just go mental. If the meltdown involves them trying to hurt someone, just physically restrain them until they stop. Don’t talk to them, just let them figure it out.
Remember #2? If you capitulate to their desires when they lose their mind, they will learn that that is how they get their way. Our primary rule when it comes to meltdowns is that any room for negotiation he had, that’s now gone. Don’t give them what they want after they calm down, because that teaches them “I ask, I don’t get, I lose my mind for a bit, I get”. As soon as a meltdown begins, the negotiator leaves the building.
The Rules:
1: Be Reasonable
This is ever so tightly entwined into rule 2, but you are the grown up - if you cannot find it within yourself to be reasonable in all things, see a therapist. Your emotions should not control you.
2: Never Make a Demand You Cannot Justify
See Rule 1. I’m not going to beat around the bush here: Why are you demanding it if you don’t have a reason to?
3: Three Strikes
Whenever your child is crossing a boundary (not approaching one), follow this protocol. All of your attention should be on them whilst you are stepping through these and correcting the behavior - If you are mid conversation with someone, just ask them to hold that thought and go parent your kid for a moment:
Ask them to stop.
The first step is the warning. It is the gentle nudge back to behavior that is acceptable.
Tell them to stop.
The second step is the threat. Your voice drops an octave, and you elevate the volume and project your voice. This is the point where your goal is to snap the child out of their thoughts and go “oh, yeah maybe I’ll stop”.
Physically make them stop.
If they don’t, you make them stop. It doesn’t matter how much they kick and scream, you are the adult and they will learn that when you make a demand, it is not a choice.
Get down to their level, explain why you are asking them to not do the thing.
If they continue to press, just don’t let go until they comply. If they then proceed to carry on after you let go, go straight back into step 3 until they comply.
As soon as your child capitulates, no matter how small the capitulation is, praise them for listening regardless of how stressed you are! This reinforce the progression towards the goal and shows them that it doesn’t matter how far they go, you will always be reasonable. Never punish or humiliate them for doing what you want them to do. If your kid doesn’t want
Tips:
You may, should the situation be serious enough to warrant it, jump straight into step 3 - if you do, wind back the steps in reverse. Lets say your kid hits someone, you restrain them and sternly say “Don’t do that!”. Then you can calmly explain why.
Except in extremely rare scenarios, do not yell. There’s a difference between having an authoritative ‘projected’ voice, and yelling. Example: My kid threw a football from the back seat into the cockpit of the car whilst I was driving - He needed to immediately learn to never do that again because it could literally endager his life. Yelling should be an almost-never occurence and only reserved for extreme situations where the child must immediately know not to do something, like running into the road or pushing things into plug sockets.
If you child is at an age where they can ask to do something again that they initially messed up and took you to step 3, absolutely let them… but first establish that they have understood what is required of them. Example: When my kid threw the ball in the car, after he’d stopped crying he asked “Can I have my ball back?”, “Yes of course, but what must you not do with it?” [Wait for the answer…] “Throw it in the car”, “Well done buddy. Here you go”. Remember this is about giving them freedom to let you child learn how to behave, so that you don’t need to enforce arbitrary “no balls in the car” (or similar) rules. Not having the ball is not solving the behavioural issue, it’s just not giving it an opportunity to arise, which means they can’t learn.
Important: Regarding step 3 - I am not calling for phsyical violence of any kind towards children. I am saying that if your child consistently reaches for something they shouldn’t be touching, you ask, then tell, and then you take their arm in your hand and you stop them. If they reach again, you just stop them. You can do so quickly, but never to inflict pain. Physcially overpowering your child requires about the same energy as lifting a tin of beans… all you’re doing is showing them that when you make demands, you really do mean it. See Rule 1, and Never Ever hit your child - that is disgusting behavior, and you should be setting the example of how to behave.
4: Be Consistent
You need to, come hell or high water, enforce consistent boundaries no matter how much fuss they kick up. This will show them that no matter how unreasonable they get, you will maintain composure and consistently enforce the rule you have set, and establish a ‘baseline’ level of behavior that you expect all of the time, not just when they’re in public or because you’re tired.
If this is a two parent household, this also means consistency between parents. That means coming to a joint decision on how things should be done, and making sure that you both, as best as possible, share the same boundaries. This is primarily why our boundaries are so concise - they are easy to remember and easy for both of us to follow at all times.
And one last thing: Once you set a boundary, set it for good. There’s no point saying “dont touch the knife” one day, and letting them play with it next time, only to say “don’t touch it” the time after that. If you do this, they will just become confused and learn that your expectations are really quite flexible depending on your mood. They need consistent boundaries that are enforced consistently so that they can learn and explore the “good behavior” zone effectively.
Example: Our son was at his great grans. The kitchen has an aga. We don’t want him in the kitchen becuase we can’t see him and don’t want him to get hurt. As soon as his foot touches the kitchen floor, we tell him no. We then bring him back into the lounge. I stand next to him to give him an opportunity to “test the fences”. He looks up at me and steps into the kitchen, and I say “no, not the kitchen”, and push him back gently into the lounge. He looks up at me again and slides his foot slowly into the kitchen. The moment it touches the kitchen I just say “No. Not the kitchen”. He pulls his foot back of his own accord and he has learned where the boundary is. I go and sit down and that’s it… no more venturing into the kitchen. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes he’ll forget, but he’s never doing it maliciously.
5: Never Make a Threat You Won’t Deliver On
When you make a demand, and follow Rule 1, you are essentially making a threat. Every time you ask something of then, you are saying “if you don’t, I’m going to make you”.
If you don’t enforce the demands you make, they will learn that when you say “Don’t do that”, what you really mean is “Crack on and go wild kiddo, because I won’t do anything about it anyway if you do”.
This is kind of verging on a pseudo “Normalisation of Deviance”, but essentially when your child does something that you don’t want them to do, if there are no consequences, every single time, for doing the thing they aren’t supposed to be doing then their behavior will spiral out of control until they find their own consequences - Whether that be getting seriously hurt, putting themselves in danger, or finding out later in life that being rude or disruptive is not conducive to their physical wellbeing.
Your consequences are the safe consequences. Your discomfort in “disciplining” your child is the most comfortable experience they will ever get from crossing the boundaries you set. They are the best possible outcome for your child, because if you don’t teach them not to throw balls at the driver of the car they occupy, they might die. Almost all the boundaries we enforce are to set them up for the best possible future, whether it be in the moment or 20 years later - Don’t feel bad whatsoever about following through with your demands, as long as you are being reasonable.
