Parenting - The Ground Rules
I’ve been parenting now for 3 years, and there’s a handful of rules that we established at the outset that have helped in ways we didn’t quite realise they would - We just thought they were sensible rules when we came up with them. I thought it high time that I shared these rules with you:
Be reasonable
Never make a demand you cannot justify
Three strikes
Be consistent
Never make threats you won’t keep
Demands & Boundaries
I am going to use the word “demand” and “boundary” a fair bit in this blog post, so I want to explain what I mean by these terms
Demand
Simply, it is not a request. It is not something that has a choice, and has at least one boundary. A demand can sound like a request at first, but realistically I think most times you ask your child to do something, it is a demand. Now this might sound overbearing, but realise that you don’t need to make all that many demands. There’s a huge circle in this Venn diagram that is “behaviours we’ll allow” - all you are doing is showing them where the edge of that circle is.
Boundary
This is the edge of the circle. For us, the edge of that circle is summed up as this: Things that would put my child are risk of harm; things that he is doing that impacts other people negatively; or violating values we feel are important, such as politeness. That leaves a whole lot of room for “good” behavior that we will very readily tolerate.
Examples
Demands:
Please stop touching the knife.
Don’t bang the cutlery on the table please.
Stay at the table until everyone is finished please.
Boundaries:
Leaving the table before other people are finished eating.
Hitting.
Leaving the driveway without permission.
Eating berries from plants without checking if it’s okay.
Some Unsolicited Advice
1: They Aren’t Smart Enough To Be Malicious
Remember that your kid is very likely not being malicious. We have found that more often than not, they push the boundaries to just try and figure out where the boundary is. It’s not him “trying his luck”… he’s just unsure, and knows that he can just test the fences to learn.
A roomba doesn’t care where the wall of the room are… it will still drive up to the edge and go “oh yep, that wall is still there”, and move onto another part of the room. Kids are no different. They aren’t driving into that wall again to pull your strings, they are just checking to see if that wall still exists. Most often it will just require a quick “yep, that wall is still there buddy” to put them back on course.
2: They Learn
Try to distill all their behavior down to this: “I want X, and I do Y to get X”. Once you have this in your head, remember that they also have memory - i.e “The last time I wanted X, I did Y and got X, so lets do Y again”. If you are at a point where you need to untrain these “Y” behaviors, I’m not going to lie, I expect have your work cut out for you; but just be reasonable and consistent and all will be fine. It won’t take long for your kiddo to adopt the new status quo and learn that they can basically whatever they want (within reason) as long as they stick within the big ol’ circle of “behaviours my parents will allow”.
3: Give Them Space
Don’t try to be too strict. Remember that it’s okay for kids to explore and do things that might be a bit silly, but aren’t putting them in danger, or affecting other people. They need to learn how to learn. For example(s), you might see them reach for a cactus at the garden center… it’s not going to cause serious damage, but they might cry a bit… but you can bet bottom dollar that they will know how cactuses work for the rest of their life. They might try carrying their cereal in a cermic bowl, dropping and breaking it… but they’ll know next time that they need to use both hands and walk more slowly. I guess my point here is that this entire blog post is about establishing a means of allowing your kids to learn things safely, and avoid serious harm to themselves or others; whether it be right now, or in 15 years time when they FAFO on a playground with a bigger kid.
4: Meltdowns
If the kid has a meltdown, there’s no amount of talking to them that will settle them down. If they are in a shop, just pick them up, put them in the trolley and go about your day. If you are home, just set them down on the sofa and leave them to it. Let them figure out how to rein in their emotions on their own whilst teaching them that they don’t get the things they want if they just go mental.
The Rules:
1: Be Reasonable
This is ever so tightly entwined into rule 2, but you are the grown up - if you cannot find it within yourself to be reasonable in all things, see a therapist. Your emotions should not control you.
2: Never Make a Demand You Cannot Justify
See Rule 1. I’m not going to beat around the bush here: If you can’t justify it, why are you demanding it of them?
3: Three Strikes
Whenever your child is crossing a boundary (not approaching one), follow this protocol. All of your attention should be on them whilst you are stepping through these and correcting the behavior - If you are mid conversation with someone, just ask them to hold that thought and go parent your kid. for a moment:
Ask them to stop.
The first step is the warning. It is the gentle nudge back to behavior that is acceptable.
Tell them to stop.
The second step is the threat. Your voice drops an octave, and you elevate the volume and project your voice. This is the point where your goal is to snap the child out of their thoughts and go “oh, yeah maybe I’ll stop”.
Physically make them stop.
If they don’t, you make them stop. It doesn’t matter how much they kick and scream, you are the adult and they will learn that when you make a demand, it is not a choice.
Get down to their level, explain why you are asking them to not do the thing.
If they continue to press, just don’t let go until they comply. If they then proceed to carry on after you let go, go straight back into step 3 until they comply.
Once your child complies, thank them for listening regardless of how stressed you are! This reinforce the positive behavior and shows them that it doesn’t matter how far they go, you will still keep a balanced attitude towards their behavior.
At no point should you yell. Yelling will just teach your child that you are emotionally irrational and not capable of managing yourself, let alone them. Yelling is not behaviour managment… it’s just you venting your stress at a defenseless kid. See Rule 1.
Tip: You may, should the situation be serious enough to warrant it, jump straight into step 3 - if you do, wind back the steps in reverse. Lets say your kid hits someone, you grab them and say “Don’t do that!” with the vocal pitch of a drill sargeant. Then you calm the voice and explain why.
Important: Regarding step 3, I am not calling for phsyical violence of any kind towards children. I am saying that if your child consistently reaches for something they shouldn’t be touching, you ask, then tell, and then you take their arm in your hand and you stop them. If they reach again, you just stop them. Physcially overpowering your child (which requires about the same energy as lifting a tin of beans) shows them that when you make demands, you really do mean what you say. See Rule 1, and Never Ever hit your child - that is disgusting behavior - You should be setting the example.
4: Be Consistent
You should, come hell of high water, maintain the boundary that you set no matter how much fuss they kick up. This will show them that no matter how unreasonable they get, you will maintain composure and consistently enforce the rule you have set.
If this is a two parent household, this also means consistency between parents. That means coming to a joint decision on how things should be done, and making sure that you both, as best as possible, share the same boundaries.
And one last thing: Once you set a boundary, set it for good. There’s no point saying “dont touch the knife” one day, and letting them play with it next time, only to say “don’t touch it” the time after that. They need consistent boundaries that are enforced consistently so that they can explore the “good behavior” zone effectively.
Example: Our son was at his great grans. The kitche has an aga. We don’t want him in the kitchen. As soon as his foot touches the kitchen floor, we tell him no. We then bring him back into the lounge. I stand next to him to give him an opportunity to “test the fences”. He looks up at me and steps into the kitchen, and I say “no, no the kitchen”, and push him back gently into the lounge. He looks up at me again and slides his foot slowly into the kitchen. The moment it touches the kitchen I just say “No. Not the kitchen”. He pulls his foot back of his own accord and he has learned where the boundary is. I sit down and that’s it… no more venturing into the kitchen. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes he’ll forget, but he’s never doing it maliciously.
5: Never Make a Threat You Won’t Deliver On
When you make a demand, and follow Rule 1, you are essentially making a threat. You are saying “if you don’t stop doing that, I’m going to stop you”.
This is kind of verging on a pseudo “Normalisation of Deviance”, but essentially when your child does something that you don’t want them to do, if there are no consequences for doing the thing they aren’t supposed to be doing, their behavior will spiral out of control until they find their own consequences. They will learn that when you say “Don’t do that”, what you really mean is “I won’t do anything to stop you, so just crack on and go wild kiddo”.
Your consequences are the safe consequences. Your discomfort in “disciplining” your child is the most comfort they will ever get from crossing the boundaries you set. They are the best possible outcome for your child, because if you don’t teach them not to flail cutlery around at the table, a cheeky visit to A&E with some eye surgery might just. Almost all the boundaries we set are to set them up for the best possible outcome, whether it be in the moment or 20 years later - Don’t feel bad whatsoever about following through with your demands, as long as you are being reasonable.
